HOW FAR WOULD YOU GO TO CAPTURE A MAN?
Is giving the best blow job, having a big booty, looking like a music video girl and learning to perform in bed like a porn star the solution to getting a good man or keeping one? While flipping through my monthly subscription of Essence Magazine, I came across an article titled The Body Shop – How far would you go to get a man - or please the one you have. The article focused on the pursuit of the new term coined as sexual perfection. My immediate thoughts were (what the F*&%K).
Paying for sex lessons i.e. (how to give good head) and black market hydro- gel buttocks injections are just a few of the tools from the bag of tricks that supports the interest in sexual perfection that stems from the belief that in order to get a man, keep a man or become the wifey, you better look a certain way and perform like a porn star in bed. The increased willingness of women to meet the raised sexual bar is based on the idea that there are not enough black men to go around. This gives men the upper hand to be able to demand and get what they want in bed. They are making it perfectly clear to woman that if their sexual performance isn’t good enough then they will be replaced by someone who will do it the right way. Grown men are actually responding to magazine polls that show that they think woman should be committed to the act of oral sex and that they are totally dissatisfied and even angered if a woman does not perform it properly. Good oral sex has become a right of entitlement to the mind (ego) of many men. Does this make these guys look totally shallow, weak and downright ignorant or what?
Please, somebody tell me when the ability to give a dynamic blow job has ever kept a man from straying? Now I know in the super inflated egos of many men, they are thinking what a dream come true it would be to have a woman that could be defined a possessing sexual perfection. Please know that no matter how great a man or a woman is in the bed or how great one looks today, eventually the infatuation and lust that you once held for one another will fade when the mask comes off and the real persons show up. Either what you have turns into true love and respect, or agitation and resentment. The once perfect face, booty and the great sex is no longer enough by itself to maintain the relationship, and people most often look to find someone new to give them that lustful high that they experience in a new courtship. Just know that to attempt to look perfect and be perfect in bed to keep a man is a dead end street.
My soul aches to know that in 2009, there are women who don’t yet understand their self-worth, and seek self validation from a man’s opinion about them. It’s as if we are moving backwards instead of forward in terms of gaining respect from men. My beautiful sisters, please know that there is so much more to love, life and happiness then being the biggest booty on the block. It deeply puzzles me why women tolerate this mentality from men. Ladies always remember that you have the golden eggs, you have what they want, so technically you should be the one calling the shots especially when it comes to what you do and don’t do with your body. So stop being afraid that he will go out and get someone else. Whoever she is; she can have his broke down mentality behind. Let him go.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that the ability to give a good blow job is not a good asset to have if that’s what you and your current or future man both enjoy. I do believe that doing your best to looking your best and being experimental and liberated sexually is a wonderful thing. But in no way should you allow the value that a man puts on you be based merely on how well you perform in bed or whether or not you have a ghetto booty or a twenty two inch waist line. Keep in mind that a real man who values himself, won’t fall for just a big booty and smile. A conscious man definitely looks for more substance in a woman.
My vision for myself is not to be able to give the best head, work a stripper pole and keep my body tight and looking right so that a man will love me. My goal is to have a man love me for who I am so that my desire and pleasure is to give him great sex, work a pole for him and keep myself looking my best, because his wonderful love is one of the things that inspires me to do so; big difference.
When you are developing on a conscious level you are able to see past this type of foolishness and you clearly understand that a true love connection is one that comes deep from the soul. If we put half the energy into loving and appreciating ourselves and working on the inner woman, as we do into fixing the outer woman to please or keep a man, we would be 100 years ahead in our evolution as women. If true love and respect is what you are seeking then you must stop settling for less. Stop wasting your time focusing and worrying about the physical assets that you don’t have, and be thankful for the ones you do have. Learn to love and respect yourself so that you will be better equipped to attract a quality man into your life, and only then can you find true love and happiness.
Now a word to the brothers who endorse this foolishness; when you can match up to L.L. Cool J in terms of body image, and after you enroll into how to eat p*&%y 101 and stay rock hard all night 101 and actually get it right, then you may have a leg to stand on, until then ni%$ga’s please!
Leave a comment and let me know your opinion on the subject of sexual perfection. If you wish to be added to my newsletter and receive regular links to my blog post, send me your email address at talk2necey@gmail.com
And ladies, remember that you are fabulous, you are beautiful, and worthy of the very best in life!
Necey-
9 comments:
LOL. That pressure is so real and so silly. You mean to tell me they got booty botox? Dang, I'm out of the loop. Discover the Youniverse. Define you in the universe before anything else.
"Grown men are actually responding to magazine polls that show that they think woman should be committed to the act of oral sex..."
"Ladies, please be totally honest here. How do you feel about performing oral sex ?"
...and the purpose of your poll? Necey, a real lady would never tell (publicly).
Frances
Well Frances, you even asked the ladies to me honest in your own comment, so I asked for the same reason you did. I want women to be honest with themselves about it. By the way it is an anonymous poll so no one will know who responded to what, neither is anyone obligated to vote. My point is that so many men think that woman love doing it, and some actually do, most don't, but do it anyway. What I'm attempting to do is break the myths on either side of the spectrum. We don't live in the dark ages anymore and many of us are liberated sexually enough not to be afraid to talk about it. It was a taboo back in the old days, but not anymore, face it. The point is that I don't think a woman should feel obligated or persuaded to do it to keep a man if thats not what she wants. By the way, are you suggesting that a lady is not a lady if she discusses her sexual preferences? Wow, now that is dark age conditioning, I know because my mom feels the same way. Definately a generation gap thing. Smile!
Necey,
Your May 16, 2009 response begins, "Well Frances, you even asked the ladies to me honest in your own comment..."
No, I did not. Look at my comment again. Both statements were quotes from your blog (and survey), which is why I enclosed them in quotation marks. The purpose of your poll was not clear. Without specific reference to it in the article, your poll question was an oxymoron. You asked women to respond to a question which was similarly asked of men in magazine articles. You found the results of the men’s responses to be repugnant and harmful to women. Yet you ask a similar question without explaining why you would pose that question.
When I initially read the blog, I started a whole different response. Instead of sending it, I thought to ask the purpose of your poll. Below, is my first reaction to your article:
Hi Necey,
I opened your blog today for the first time. As I read your most recent article, “How Far Would You Go to Capture a Man?” I went through an array of emotions and thoughts. Let me say that I’m a child of the ‘70’s, a period that defined the loosening of the proverbial yoke around women’s necks, around this society’s neck – be free in your thoughts, actions; burn your bras; free sex, etc. I spent most of the ‘70’s and ‘80’s doing what I wanted to do. I left Jacksonville at 17 to attend college in Washington, D.C. I lived and worked in that city for 8 years. It is the place where I became an adult. I did not burn my bras, but I never wore one. I even dared to wear see through blouses (tastefully diaphanous, but see through nevertheless) to work and parties! I mastered the art of taking myself to dinner at fine restaurants. And, yes, I patterned my dating habits after men (or so I thought). I chose the men that I dated. If it didn’t work out, I moved on to the next one (I realized later that I really didn’t know anything about dating. It was a social event that my African-American mother and the mothers of my peers did not know how to teach. Thus, my rules of dating were always mixed up with the rules of being in a relationship).
Bottom line: we are all women, we are sisters. Yet, one should never make the mistake of believing that you should not have boundaries and rules for your relationships. Therefore, every old woman is not your mother, and every sister is not your closest friend. The tone of this article is one that I believe is more appropriate for your closest, most intimate friend(s). I learned that talking about sex in the vernacular, regardless of the venue, did not make me liberated (although it might appear that way to some in the audience). Sex is a subject that is important and needs to be taught. So, a vagina is a “va-jay-jay”. No problem. Having sex, making love, “gettin’ some”. No problem. A clitoris is a wondrous part of the body; men should have one (or do they? Hmmmmm). Base vernacular should be kept for your most intimate friends and settings. In my opinion.
That’s what I wrote before getting your response.
Now, let me comment on a couple of items in your response:
“By the way, are you suggesting that a lady is not a lady if she discusses her sexual preferences?”
I think you should read my first comment again. My remark, “…a real lady would never tell (publicly)” was meant to infer that some details about sex are intimate, private. What I do and how I do it is not something I advocate discussing in a public domain. Sharing one’s most intimate moment(s) does not define authenticity nor does it establish liberation.
In your response, you make several references to “dark age” and liberating actions and speech. For the past sixteen years, I have lived what I consider to be a very liberating, committed, and authentic life as an initiated priestess in an African Traditional Religion. I have committed myself to the interactive study of a culture which was eradicated from my life as a result of the American slavery system. While I am the sum total of the experiences of my family and Ancestors, I live the destiny which was carved out for me before I came to this life. My mother thought I had gone out of my mind when, at 18, I came home for a holiday break with an afro. She was sure that there was no chance of regaining my sanity when I came home for Christmas with second holes in each ear (I tried to console her with a visual of a friend who had pierced HIS nose, the upper part of HIS ear, along with two holes in HIS earlobes). When I was 20, we had big discussion when I told her that I was moving into an apartment with my boyfriend. Did she like it? No. In the end, she accepted that I was the same child that she had taught right from wrong. She recognized that none of these things were monumental in comparison to horrendous alternatives (death, crime, etc.). Later, when I wore a near-bald natural, when I grew locs, when I got a third hole in each earlobe, when I converted 95% of my wardrobe to authentic African clothing - through all my phases of change and growth - she recognized me. I reflect often on who Mama was - a wise, African-American woman, who worked hard to give a good life to my brother and me, and did an amazing job as a single parent. She did much within the constraints of American society. Our experiences were different because we came of age at different times. I still respect the basis of her teachings. I respect the basis of her knowledge and wisdom.
I don’t have a problem with disussing sex. I just think there’s a time and place for everything.
By the way, if you haven't already, you should read Steve Harvey's, Act Like a Lady (Think Like a Man). It's good.
Frances
Wow Frances,
Let me be clear that when I write and ask for comments, I am not seeking anothers approval, nor do I typically use a lot of energy defending what write about; however, I'll make an exception this time. Lets be clear, the poll was anonymous! So it would not have been a public announcement to have cast a vote. The oxymoron comment is incorrect because the question men were asked was whether oral sex was a requirement of the women they are intimate with (a prerequisite). I asked women how they felt about performing it to see if they are doing it because they enjoy it, or if it is out of obligation. It was not just something out of the air, the article in Essence truly struck a chord in me that women are really falling for this type of mentality in men and going to such extremes to satisfy the male ego. I too believe that sex needs to be taught and that it is a beautiful thing, but since I am not claiming to be a expert in sex education, my simple point, no matter how it came out, was to say to woman not to fall for the foolishness. Talking about sex may not have made you feel liberated, but that is your personal conclusion. Maybe, just maybe talking about it will liberate someone to stand up against the next guy who convinces her that she needs him in her life, and persuades her to get her buttocks injected and pucker up her lips.
Please understand that I never intended to stir up so much emotion in you from my response. My Sister, you wrote a full length book of emotions in that response. Let me be clear that there were no intentions to offend you or anyone else in anyway, and I pray vice versa; however, I can't help but feel that your comment was slightly filled with sarcasms and a attack on my freedom and choice to write the article, more so then the article itself. If I misread that energy, ( I rarely do) I have to say that there certainly was not a encouraging or motherly tone to your response. I detected a lot of sensitivity. My response was meant to simply explain or further elaborate as to why I posted the poll and also include a little humor in terms of the dark ages and generation gap thing, nothing more, nothing less. I like to make people laugh! The various responses I get to the different things I write about excites and amazes me and I'm certainly not going to beat myself up or take any of them personally. If I did, I would cease to do what I love to do which is write and inspire women.
It's truly so wonderful to live in a universe where we all have various opinions, experiences, intuitive abilities and most importantly the right to express ourselves freely. I'm 40 years old now and I have learned that there is no one right way to think and live life. I'm learning to allow people to be who they be, have their own experiences and grow how they grow. I am still entitled to my opinion, even though in the grand scheme of things one persons opinion of another person and what they do really is not worth a hill of beans. So with that said, you are certainly entitled to your opinion about my article just as much as I was entitled to write it.
My mother is a very wise woman, just as you spoke of yours, and I do respect her and take her wisdom to heart. One thing she taught me was to always look for the good in everything. There was a positive twist to my article that actually encouraged woman and you seemed to go all around that. So in the future when and if you read one of my articles and you actually do enjoy it, I would be very encouraged and thankful if you are sure to give as much positive energy to it as you gave negative energy to this one. Your support and encouragement would be welcomed and highly appreciated. I'm simply doing my thing and enjoying it. Life is so fabulous!!!
Nothing but love and respect
Have a prosperous week!
Sincerely Necey-
A true lady indeed
Frances,
I read over your last and lengthy response. I considered all you said and I can relate with one thing. Steve Harvey's book is a really good book.
Terra
Necey,
It was obviously not a good time to communicate. Chalk it up to Mercury retrograding.
Frances
"Mercury Retrograding", Sister you are so funny. No, I just think that we should agree that we don't agree, and thats okay. I have so moved on.
Peace and Blessings.
It's interesting how people can read the same article and get very different things from it.
There does seem to be a quest for perfection these days. I remember wanting the big ghetto apple booty, (as mine is flat as a pancake)because I was socialized in my classmates & by some family members that is what beauty was. Then I was socialized through bussing, with my more pale brothers and sisters, who seemed obssessed with their definition of beauty (blonde, blue eyed & bone thin). I tripped on the lengths they would go to attain this image that was considered beautiful. I never saw black women behaving like this, until recently.
To me it comes down to one thing... we want feel loved and accepted. To get those feelings, some of us are willing to do ANYTHING.
It's sad but true.
God created us exactly the way He wanted us to be. Flat booty women, yes, we are beautiful and big ole booty women, you are too.... You are beautiful exactly the way God made you... Last I heard, He hadn't made a mistake yet....
As far as oral sex, well, it's a personal choice. Nobody should be doing anything they don't want to do.
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